I'm Laura. I am female, 31, a gamer, a bookworm, a knitter, a spinner, a tatter, pierced, tattooed, musical, vehemently geeky and occasionally ineptly artistic.


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The Dark Knight. With spoilers.

Posted at 12 Aug 2008 10:01:47 AM

Well, we saw the Dark Knight.

And I think...

That unquestionably, we should have seen Hellboy.

Comparing it to Titanic was accurate beyond belief (if only we'd known). Only overrated movies can possibly generate that much revenue in such a short time. Take notes, America: If you want to make money, charge people $9 to watch a $2 whore.

My main problems, in bullet points:

* The plot was MIA most of the time, and during the few times it was present, it could only sit by and slit its wrists in shame. It was trite, it went nowhere, and worst of all it was predictable. (Oh, you mean the good people of Gotham City won't actually blow each other up? All together now: "Awwwwwwww!")

* It was by far the WORST Two-Face I have EVER seen. He had jack shit for motivation besides a trumped-up romance which didn't look believable from either character. He wasn't even evil. HE WAS EMO. He WHINED. Does no one see the problem here?

* Sweet baby jesus on a pogo stick, has Hollywood's entire makeup division gone on strike? I wanted Two-Face, and I got the Terminator!

* I can't remember the last time I saw such a massive display of completely unbelievable technology. To recap: Bruce Wayne has somehow hacked every cellphone in the city to be permanently on, micro-sonar devices with unlimited broadcasting range, and in the space of the what, 5 minutes? it took Lucius to get downstairs after being informed of a "break-in" managed to set up a massive display which somehow sequenced all of those broadcasted sonar "images" together into a jumbled mess. Lucius then immediately grasps what was done, how it was done, and more importantly how to use and interpret that jumbled mess of 30,000 cellphone images flickering across a couple hundred LCD screens without rhyme, reason, order or seeming locations.


There are no words.

But ooh! there WAS X-ray vision. Let us never forget the farce that was dynamically-transmitted cellphone-generated superimposed over his own vision X-ray vision. Let us also not question who among the thieves and hostages had their cell phones on during a SWAT raid.

* To add final (or perhaps initial) insult to injury, we have the Joker's opening line. The line meant to introduce and define the character.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stranger."

It's a brilliant line, no? Certainly it's character-defining. It was also lifted wholesale from the last line in my favorite episode of a little comic known as AEON FUCKING FLUX. You may have heard of it. If not, allow me to introduce you. It will be a much better-spent few hours than watching Dark Knight was, believe me.

ETA: Oh, stop acting like I've kicked your puppy. It's a movie, some of them are good, some of them suck. I refuse to make this a rehash of the Episode 1-3 wars, so if you liked the movie, don't click the cut. Simple, y/y?

Tagged as: movie snark